Motherhood. Such a simple word with such a deep meaning to me. I always wanted a few kids, but I didn’t know just how much until I met my now husband. When I would sit and think about kids and becoming a mother, I had no way of knowing the impact that it would have on me and how God would use that in my life.
When Brad and I got married, I wasn’t sure that we would be able to have children. He had been married before, had two precious children, and followed that with a vasectomy. This was hard to swallow, but I saw God’s hand in all of it from the way that as newlyweds we were able to save the money to have a vasectomy reversal to how we stumbled on the doctor to perform the procedure. A trip to St. Louis, a three day hospital stay, and ten months later, we had a positive pregnancy test… followed by seven more… for good measure because I just couldn’t believe it. We had just turned in a sperm sample two weeks before that had been negative so this was a shock in the best way.
While I was pregnant with Olivia, I worried and obsessed over every. single. detail. I felt like if I lost the baby, that maybe I wouldn’t get pregnant again, that maybe she was some sort of fluke, but it was through this pregnancy that I came to realize that there is no such thing as a fluke. My worries and fears and anxiety is exactly what God used to show me what it meant to rely solely on Him. He used my weakness to draw me closer to Him, and each day of that pregnancy when my anxiety would be at times crippling, He made me strong. He lifted me up, He gave me peace, and He used this to truly save me and change my heart.
Looking back on this time and this particular pregnancy, I can see so clearly the work that God was doing in my heart. He blessed me with the most special gift through my sweet Olivia. Becoming a mama has changed me in ways I didn’t even know that I needed to change and has grown me in ways I didn’t even know that I needed to grow. With each baby, it makes those lonely days of waiting and wishing and praying all so much more worth it. Days spent wondering where my miracle was and if my prayers were heard.
My babies show me love and grace and the true meaning of patience each and every day. They are the true picture of what forgiveness means because I am not at all perfect. I fail every day in more ways than I can count, but I hope to always point them toward our Heavenly Father and do my best to show them the love that He shows us each day. I am forever so grateful for the gifts He has given me through my babies and for the work in my heart that He has done and continues to do through my motherhood journey.
